dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
