My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
