If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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