So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
