when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
