Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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