Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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