Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
we're so committed to being not committed
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
