if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
