i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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