i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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