You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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