My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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