Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
