you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
