facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
