there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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