im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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