hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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