drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
