i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
