i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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