i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
