I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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