My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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