i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
