I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
