Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
