Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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