dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize