piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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