i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
