first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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