Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
