i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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