my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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