fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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