the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
