Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Of course I have a pirate flag
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
