you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
