I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
