I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
