Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
