I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
