Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
