i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
is wine microwaveable?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
