hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
