He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
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Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
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I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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