If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
