When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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