I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
