no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
