Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
