I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
