Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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