So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
ok first of all what the fuck
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
