If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Randomize
