he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
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